you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
