I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
