1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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