I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
