the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
