I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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