I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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