taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
