A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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