My underwear smells like fireworks.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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