So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
