I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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