meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
