I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
