her vagine was all disorganized.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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