I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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