she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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