i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
