My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
