I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
