Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
smell my finger.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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