we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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