Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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