We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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