i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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