Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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