like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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