i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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