Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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