You're so nebulous sometimes
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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