No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
