If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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