K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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