I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
