Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
