Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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