It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize