Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
