I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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