Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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