What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
