i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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