cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
