This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize