Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
