i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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