So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
