He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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