can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize