Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
