So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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