I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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