he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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