I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
