First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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