my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
