dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
