the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
time to smoke my breakfast
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
