i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
