omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
