3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
