Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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