Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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