The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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