True but thats because hes a fetus.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
