watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
