i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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