so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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