I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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