why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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