Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
